Video Diary

So we have had a very rocky week and he wants me to blog. It seems like every time I get in trouble or we have a rocky time- that is when he wants me to blog. This is frustrating because I hate to only tell or show the negative things or feelings.

There are so many positive things in our life and our relationship, I just only am instructed to write about the feelings of the tough times or the feelings when I am in trouble. Or the details of a punishment. I know he wants to probably read about where my head is at with it. But if this is my video diary so to speak it’s tough for me to show the world Just the bad side.

So now back to this assignment; It was a bad week. A confusing week. Still trying to figure out who and what we are. Who and what I am.

Advertisements

Wow- Realization

I just realized that I think I created people in my past to turn into the people they turned into. Yikes. It wasn’t them- it was really me!

The people in my life that I saw in a really good light- I thought I just eventually saw them differently. Now I am beginning to believe that I turned them that way.

Deep thinking today!

I am back

Haven’t been on for sooooooo long! Well….the brat is back.

You can hold your applause.. or not. Lol.

So much has happened. Bad stuff that is super sad. Too sad to tell you right now.

The good thing is that me and my love are still as sting as ever. He is still my soul mate and every day I wake up next to him I still thank god that I get to wake up next to him. He makes me so happy and I love every second I get to be his.

Saturday!!

Yay! Down 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Super excited. Focusing on the positive and trying to stay focused on my goals. 

Looking ahead- I am not going to run away from my problems. Not going to build walls. I am going to actually deal with them. I have someone worth it now. 

Been Awhile Again

Well….. I am back! Don’t know for how long. But for tonight I am. Still been dealing with some health stuff. I have been getting in trouble a little here and there but we have pretty much not been practicing because of my health. Well I guess he has had enough of that. Because tonight he had me over his knee with the belt and the red stick. Luckily I am out of practice and still not feeling great, so I couldn’t take that much. 

I don’t know why all of the sudden he feels it’s ok to punish me, when he hasn’t this whole time I have been sick. I don’t know why or what got into him. But he said he is not going to let his property do what she wants. I understand him feeling that way, but really I have been as good as a girl like me can be. I am really as close to good girl perfection as I can be. I guess he doesn’t agree. 

Until next time …. bye!

Been awhile

I haven’t posted in awhile. Life has been pretty crazy these last few weeks- its all kind of a blur. 

We haven’t really been practicing our lifestyle much, been too busy and my health has been really bad. I have a spine problem that requires surgery, then ended up getting blood clots in my leg, and now I am off and on sick all the time. 

On top of that, I am working trying not to mess up my job too bad while dealing with this. Then he started his own business full time. He has been working 10-14 hours a day. Add kids on top of that and the final cherry- my sister was diagnosed with cancer and given 6 months to live- so she decided to move to a state where pot is legal. 

So, as you can see: really bad month. 

He told me to blog with what has happened in the last two weeks ; that’s all I can really think of. 

Cranky cranky girl

I have been so cranky lately. I think it is all these health problems. Not being able to walk well and just overall in pain. I don’t like the person I am right now. 

Well I guess tonight he finally had enough too. Because I got spanked with the belt. I did end up not being able to take too much. I haven’t been spanked in awhile so I am probably more sensitive then normal. 

Next chapter of my rough month

Well, I got in trouble this morning. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep. After awhile I woke him up to ask if I could go for a walk. He said no. We talked until early morning and he didn’t like where my head was at so he spanked me. We went back to sleep until I had to getup for work. 

I have been having back problems, and my leg started getting more and more painful. Today I went to the dr to take a look at my leg. Ends up I have a blood clot in my leg. So good news is that I know what is and can get solutions. Hopefully next week I can be back to my normal happy self. 

Rough Patch

I have had a really tough month. I have been having back problems which has resulted in 3 spinal injections in the last month and a consult with the surgeon. Then about a week ago I wake up and my leg is terrible pain. Making it difficult to walk and being in a crazy amount of pain. 

During this time, he has been so supportive and sweet to me. He has had his own struggles he is dealing with, so we have both been just kinda dealing with things and getting through each day together. Then, add to the mix; problems with a  17 year old son that steals, lies, and does drugs. To put the cherry on top of it all; my ex husband showed back up in town after 6 months of being in a different State with little to no interaction with the kids. Throughout it all I still have my demons I dance with every night and day. 

He is super distant lately, and I understand why. He dives into his Facebook and we just kind of coexist during the evenings. I am sure he is sick of having to take constant care of me during this back thing. It has got to be so exhausting for him and I hate putting that burden on him. I see his health is starting to suffer, and I think I am the cause. You can’t have that much stress and not feel it. 

So, as far as our lifestyle; it has been put to the back burner while we deal with our problems. I have had to safe word two times in the last month because I knew they were days I couldn’t take it. He has tried to have me follow his rules but I am just not into it right now. I really just want to do what I want to do right now. Besides that, the good thing is I really haven’t got in much trouble. I am sure he is looking out for me by not spanking me because he knows I have this back issue. I appreciate that from him and feel that he really always has my best interests at heart even when it’s tough to. 

I know it’s tough on him to pause our lifestyle while we deal with these problems. It’s hard for him to not have that control and I think that is another thing that stresses him out. But no matter what we deal with we will get through these things together. I know how lucky I am to have such a great man as my best friend, lover, and partner. I feel grateful every day that I get to wake up and go to sleep next to my best friend. 

Ouchie and oops

Before I tell you all about the wicked ass beating I got today, I owe everyone so apology. I just saw that I had comments on some posts that I didn’t see, therefore did not respond. Somehow the little notification dot hasn’t appeared so I didn’t know about them. 

This morning I woke up and I did something that he felt was disrespectful and got spanked with his belt. He is spanking me super hard. Afterwards we had sex and he didn’t allow me to cum. I asked why, and got spanked a second time with the belt. Last night I got it multiple times with that stupid belt and this morning twice. My bottom is still bruised and hurts to sit. 

I can tell you this…. I am trying to be super good. I don’t think I can take another spanking with that belt today.