So this is going to be a long story- end result is I am super big trouble. Just not sure how big just yet. I just got a really big spanking- a lot with the belt ( ouchie), the red stick, a rubber paddle thing, and the razor strop- then more with the belt. I have been instructed that I need to write everything about why – full confession he said.
So, I have been dealing with medical issues for awhile now. Before in my past I would do stupid stuff and I lacked self control. So for example if I wanted an ibuprofen, I took 8. If I wanted a drink, I drink until drunk. If I took diet pills , I ended up in an ambulance for too many. Yes, self control is an issue.
Always something in my head that rationalizes to myself that if 2 is good- 8 is quicker and better. So, needless to say; this is one of the reasons I really need this lifestyle and know I need someone else to be in charge of my bad decisions. I am a pretty smart person when it comes to others, but when it comes to myself ; I just don’t make good decisions. I am wired to where I have to fear a consequence to make the right choice.
I don’t know why that has to be my motivation- why can’t it be that my liver will fail or whatever damage- because when I am in the midst of making the bad choice if it’s not going to happen today – I simply don’t care. I am in this lifestyle for a reason, and one of the big reasons is self preservation.
Well, for the last year I have been taking diet pills without him knowing. I have been thinking and even blogging that I don’t need a high level of control. This is one of the reasons why; I have taken diet pills for a year and not taken 10 or 20 a day. I take only 2 or 4 or on a day I have had a bad siezure and feel really awful I will take 6. Some days I take zero. I have had these for a year and managed to self control them.
Well, somehow he found out I have been taking them ( I think I might have dropped one and he found it or something) and he spanked me tonight until I confessed and gave them to him. He made me confess any bad things I have done which is the pills, drink while taking my seizure medication, Cut my hair without permission, have extra caffeine, and I think that’s it.
He is really upset because he thinks that my health problems could be not getting better because of these diet pills. I don’t think that’s the case. I was weak in my the past, but look: I took these for a year and did pretty good with them. I think I am responsible enough to have more control over myself. He is of course saying I should have more control and he failed me by me not being scared enough of the consequences. I don’t think that is the case- I just didn’t think I would get caught.
Somehow I slipped up and got caught. I am kinda scared now. After that spanking- I am scared now. I don’t know what punishments are coming my way, but I DO NOT want another one like tonight. Maybe I should start kissing up.