Tonight I got spanked with some small rubber paddle. It was really a stinger and an ouchie and it looks like I have 27 days more to go of these daily spankings. Yikes.
A recent comment to my last post made me think, and realize that I share with you all of what I did wrong usually, my thoughts, and the punishment. What you don’t hear about is the huge amount of love and care I get. He explains how much he loves me and why he punishes me. He rubs my back and holds me, he comforts me and dries my tears when I have them, he laughs and enjoys life with me. After spankings he holds me and loves me with an unconditional and close love like none other.
We live this lifestyle and I agreed to be his, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. There are many times I am regretful for my action, and other times I am regretful because I got punished, and many times a combination of both.
I struggle with being good many days, because it’s hard for me to not do what I went when I want to. Giving control is freeing and scary at the same time. I hate that when I make my own decisions they are so bad. I know they are self destructive but I can’t see or stop while I am on a roll. I hate this about me so much. I hate that I am so broken and messed up that I can’t stop myself from making choices that end up hurting me or others. When vanilla, I turn into somebody I don’t really like. I know I am better person when I am not vanilla, and I like the fun and happy person I become so much better.
I love who I have as my master and I should post more about all of the good things he does to make me feel loved and protected every day. I know I am so lucky to be owned by him. I just sometimes might not feel so lucky when I just got a spanking or am about to get one.