He told me to give him a good blog tonight; my response was that I really don’t have much to say. But that’s because I am trying really hard to not deal with the disaster that is me.
I am an expert at putting on a happy face no matter what. I do this for work, the kids, friends, family….everybody except him. He sees through all of that. I think that is why he asked me for a more lengthy blog. He knows me!
He knows that I have memories flooding in daily right now. Memories when I am asleep and awake. They come to me in tiny bits and pieces like a horrifying puzzle. One I don’t want to solve but I need to do I can get it over with. These memories or so terrible that my mind waited until 4 years ago to unbury them. I would love for them to stay buried and never surface. But they have surfaced, and they make me a twisted and crazy individual. I feel dirty and broken, twisted and sick. I try to stuff it all down and put on a happy face. It’s my signature move. I really have mastered it.
I am a hypocrite in the worst way, I preach positivity and a happy outlook to everyone else, while inside I am hurting and not seeing things from a positive angle. I want to! I want to not be this fucked up- but I am. So now I cope with it with the only way I know how… I make jokes, I smile, I tell everyone that if they look at the positive it will all be ok, I put on my show.