My sister is in the hospital tonight. She tried to kill herself by taking pills. I hate that she is so broken right now. She used to be somebody I looked up to. She had a great job and was always someone that was professional and had it all together.
About 7 years ago her husband died. Since then she has turned into someone I don’t know. She has many addictions and her boyfriend that she lives with is crazy abusive with serious mental problems. He shares addictions with her.
Now this! It really sucks to watch someone you love self destruct!
I am trying really hard to be good. He is going all super dom on me this week. Example: he likes my nails done.
He told me yesterday to paint them- I forgot. Today I worked 12 hours, so I forgot again today. When I got home from the grocery store he told me I had about 10 minutes to get them painted or I was getting spanked. I got them done in time. But usually he would just let me go another day. See… super dom.
Let’s see if I can remain spank free another day!!!
Well last night I got spanked pretty bad. I guess I had it coming since I haven’t really got spanked for a couple of weeks.
I have been doing as I please and disrespectful, I also did something I know that I am really really not allowed to do. But when I did it, I just didn’t care.
So last night, I had to pull down my shorts and lay face down in the bed with my hands pinned under my stomach. He spanked me with the bath brush and the red stick for a long time. He kept alternating and just when I thought we were done, he start again with the other tool of ass destruction. So I cried and and was made to read each of his rules out loud and tell him why I think the reason for that rule. There were a couple I didn’t agree with and one I don’t even think he understands the reason for, but we did talk about them. I then went to sleep. I wasn’t sure if I was going to get woke up with a spanking, he said it could happen. Luckily we were both tired and I didn’t get in trouble again.
I have come to try and make friends with my crazy. We all have our own crazy that we deal with, different versions of experiences or thoughts that make us who we are. Some days my crazy is fun and free, other days it’s dark and sad.
We all have our “demons” we fight. Mine sometimes makes me feel invincible, and other times small and worthless. Through it all though, I know that if I was strong enough to survive the experiences that haunt me, I am strong enough to make friends with my crazy and try to accept myself for who I am.
Today he told me that he realized he needs to impose his will upon me, and be 100% master. We talked about it for a long time. So my posts could start getting more interesting here soon. Lol
I don’t know if anyone goes through this, but sometimes it’s really hard to not let vanilla life creep in.
I owe everyone an apology for yesterday’s post. It was a rough day and it was just too sad and dark.
Today I am not as “cranky”
Have you ever just had a time in your life that you got sick of having to make everything ok for everyone? You just get to the point where you are like “f*** it”!
I can tell you this- I am there! I find myself going back to the place that I recently escaped from. Going back to having to be someone and something I am not to keep everyone happy. I can’t do it!!!!! I was open and free when I escaped, yet I find myself over the last few days crying and guarded and scared constantly. I can’t and won’t be this person again.
It wasn’t youngest sons birthday party today. Spent the day cooking, cleaning, decorating, then cooking and cleaning again. Boring long day, ready for bed.
My good girl streak is still going strong!! Let’s see how long I can keep amazing myself.
To be continued……