I am usually a very fun loving girl that loves just being happy. However today I lost it.
He has been really on edge this last week and down right cranky. I guess I let it build and build and then this morning I just snapped. I am not proud of it, yet I became that out of control physcho girlfriend vs the happy go lucky fun living person I like to be. Tense is not the type of relationship I want, and I know he doesn’t either. Yet that is what it has been….tense and on edge.
We talked about it and he said that he has centered and things will be better. I just get scared, because when you give someone full trust and control of you and your heart, it is so easy to get hurt.
I have been in this kind of relationship before and it was so good when it was good. However, when it went bad was when he lost control of himself and his anger and I got hurt very bad. Hurt physically and emotionally. Those past scars I cannot forget. In this type of relationship, losing control of yourself as a master can result in great loss and crossing a line that there is no return from.
So when I see my current love of my life/master lose control of his anger and his emotions; it scares me and makes me feel as if I could lose him too if he ever gets to that point of no return. I am a handful and I know that. I feel that when he gets in that head space, then I feel I have to protect myself from getting my feelings hurt. So I put up big emotional walls to protect myself, this in turn makes him get even more mad and on edge. It’s like this terrible cycle that just keeps makes things worse and worse until someone snaps.
So now, we are working on talking through it. I am going to get in trouble a lot I am sure. But if he makes me feel like he is angry at all, I will use my safe word before he ever lays a finger on me.
I hope I didn’t say too much, where people judge me or my relationship. As long as he never crosses my hard limits, I will never ask to be released. I love him and I love our relationship. Every type of relationship has issues, and this is ours. I just want to figure out a way to improve ours.