Yay! Down 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Super excited. Focusing on the positive and trying to stay focused on my goals. Looking ahead- I am not going to run away from my problems. Not going… More
I will start this blog by introducing the relationship that me and my R have together. I don’t know what category our relationship falls under; bdsm, domestic disciple, taken in hand, or 24/7 total power exchange. It is a mix of a little bit of all of them.
How our relationship works is I have a set of rules and if I don’t follow them he has the power to punish me however he sees fit. I have a list of hard limits that he can’t cross and he has one hard limit I can’t cross. As long as he doesn’t break my hard limits he has 100% full control of my life and my consequences.
He is strict but he spoils me all the time too. He makes me feel loved and treasures and safe. I am sure many people would wonder how I could give another person that much control and feel safe. Let me explain ; by having set rules and limits I know he will never cross those. So I will never be truly hurt. He keeps me safe from myself and my own self destructive and irresponsible behavior.
Now, I am sure most would say that I am an adult and should be able to do that for myself. But here is the crazy thing; I wish I could. I wish I didn’t make stupid decisions and I thought things through more. But I don’t. And I need that structure and disciple. He needs to have that control. We are both very smart professionals with children.
Our children don’t know, and we are very private about our lifestyle. I am sure they see that he is the head of the relationship.
it works for us and I love him and he loves me like crazy. We are so close and so in tune with each other and our needs. We are respectful and loving to each other. He leads by example.
Now, I am definitely a challenge as I have a big personality and I am always getting into some kind of trouble. I can’t wait to share those stories with you at a later time.
I have been so cranky lately. I think it is all these health problems. Not being able to walk well and just overall in pain. I don’t like the person I am right now.
Well I guess tonight he finally had enough too. Because I got spanked with the belt. I did end up not being able to take too much. I haven’t been spanked in awhile so I am probably more sensitive then normal.
Well, I got in trouble this morning. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep. After awhile I woke him up to ask if I could go for a walk. He said no. We talked until early morning and he didn’t like where my head was at so he spanked me. We went back to sleep until I had to getup for work.
I have been having back problems, and my leg started getting more and more painful. Today I went to the dr to take a look at my leg. Ends up I have a blood clot in my leg. So good news is that I know what is and can get solutions. Hopefully next week I can be back to my normal happy self.
I have had a really tough month. I have been having back problems which has resulted in 3 spinal injections in the last month and a consult with the surgeon. Then about a week ago I wake up and my leg is terrible pain. Making it difficult to walk and being in a crazy amount of pain.
During this time, he has been so supportive and sweet to me. He has had his own struggles he is dealing with, so we have both been just kinda dealing with things and getting through each day together. Then, add to the mix; problems with a 17 year old son that steals, lies, and does drugs. To put the cherry on top of it all; my ex husband showed back up in town after 6 months of being in a different State with little to no interaction with the kids. Throughout it all I still have my demons I dance with every night and day.
He is super distant lately, and I understand why. He dives into his Facebook and we just kind of coexist during the evenings. I am sure he is sick of having to take constant care of me during this back thing. It has got to be so exhausting for him and I hate putting that burden on him. I see his health is starting to suffer, and I think I am the cause. You can’t have that much stress and not feel it.
So, as far as our lifestyle; it has been put to the back burner while we deal with our problems. I have had to safe word two times in the last month because I knew they were days I couldn’t take it. He has tried to have me follow his rules but I am just not into it right now. I really just want to do what I want to do right now. Besides that, the good thing is I really haven’t got in much trouble. I am sure he is looking out for me by not spanking me because he knows I have this back issue. I appreciate that from him and feel that he really always has my best interests at heart even when it’s tough to.
I know it’s tough on him to pause our lifestyle while we deal with these problems. It’s hard for him to not have that control and I think that is another thing that stresses him out. But no matter what we deal with we will get through these things together. I know how lucky I am to have such a great man as my best friend, lover, and partner. I feel grateful every day that I get to wake up and go to sleep next to my best friend.
Before I tell you all about the wicked ass beating I got today, I owe everyone so apology. I just saw that I had comments on some posts that I didn’t see, therefore did not respond. Somehow the little notification dot hasn’t appeared so I didn’t know about them.
This morning I woke up and I did something that he felt was disrespectful and got spanked with his belt. He is spanking me super hard. Afterwards we had sex and he didn’t allow me to cum. I asked why, and got spanked a second time with the belt. Last night I got it multiple times with that stupid belt and this morning twice. My bottom is still bruised and hurts to sit.
I can tell you this…. I am trying to be super good. I don’t think I can take another spanking with that belt today.
It’s been awhile since I have blogged. I usually only do it when I get punished, because he insists on it. I have been traveling and dealing with back problems and I have been good so I have been super lucky and have not got in trouble for a long time.
Last night I got spanked with his belt. He was hitting hard and I think I might be extra sensitive because I haven’t been in trouble for awhile. Because it hurt a lot and wasn’t close to as long or as much as I have taken in the past.
While not getting in trouble all the time and rules being super lax, I decided I really enjoyed the freedom and sense of being in charge of myself. I am trying to convince him that we need to go more towards this direction instead of the one he wants to go which is super high control mode. I think this is ridiculous because first of all our busy lives really don’t allow for it, secondly it’s up and down and I never know what’s going to get me in trouble from one day to the next so I end up saying “f***” it, and lastly I think I can handle less control and so can he. I think less control is the answer, he thinks more is the answer. So here we are with our strange tug of war.
Last night he said that I am his property and I am owned. He said that he is going to remind me what being owned is and he got all quiet in his ” scarey voice ” in my ear. So I guess we will all have to find out the next chapter of this story together, because right now I am just not sure what the future holds for us.
Today we had a good Valentine’s Day. To me every day is Valentine’s Day. We celebrate it daily and weekly and I love being in love with him.
Tonight I got a start of a spanking but my back was hurting so I had to purple.
We have been super busy lately with work, kids, and life that it seems like the days are going by too fast. I want longer days and more hours to cherish with him. I guess I am greedy that 24 hours in a day just doesn’t feel like enough. Lol
I just got back last night from a week long trip for work. Well I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and ended up tied up across the bed getting my butt spanked with his belt, strop, rubber paddle thing and whatever else he felt like spanking me with. I guess I need to be more focused on pleasing him and having the right attitude.
Wish me luck on this focus thing.